"It was the best of times and the worst of times"
Avril Lavign's "I'm with you" plays over and over again in my head for some reason.... and its always this line.....
"Isn't anyone tryin to find me? "
That strikes me......
I start to thik back to my relationships... i start to wonder why am i still alone... despite everything that i've tried.. am i chasing the unchasable?? or am i just liking the wrong girls.... Oh gosh.. even now i'm confused.........
Maybe its just me, my character and personality that just makes me non-boyfriend material? makes just friend material?? i dunno.. really i don't....
I know poeple around me that love me and i love them too.. a lot in fact, yet not one of these would ever possibly in the future, near or far, love me in the non platonic, non family like manner.. the manner of husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend..... thoughts have entered my mind before and i wonder what it would be like if a relationship did start and i always end up in the conclusion that it would be wonderful because it started from friendship, yet.. a larger part of me is willing to take it and leave it as it is......
If anything should happen and a relationship might start, then i'll take it.. and see what fruit comes of it... yeah. i'll take it as it comes.... I haven't the strength to go pursuing it anymore.... As much as i believe that i will find a person who will love me, yet, that belief in itself hasn't the strength to sustain me... To keep me going. to keep me looking for that one person. many a time have i been lead to a wrong perosn.. to a false one........ but i keep going as i should.. to move on from one relation ship to another... I thank God that i am able to retain them as my friends.. and see me along my path.. to help me along, helping me learn from my mistakes........ Yet, even moral support will come to an end...
I'm nice to a fault.... i'm sweet to the level of intolerance....... could that be whats wrong with me? i know i have a bad streak of jealousy.... i turn green really easily and i'm rather possesive and i've been trying to change it. but should i also try to be less sweet? and not be myself? what am i to do that when what i've percieved as a good point turned bad? i dunno... i'm even more confused about myself now, what if my strengths are my weaknesses and my weaknesses my strengths? what if i have no strengths and that all everybody sees are my weaknesses and because of that pity me? goodness knows if any of my relationships have been borne of the person feeling sorry for me.....
Could i be too melancholic? mayhaps i think too much? or brood too much? i know i reply too much on my partner for support, and i have become more independant. Should i become less deep and appear more shallow? and whilst doing that go against the fiber of my character??? no i will not sink to the level of being shallow, yet in my own ways i am a shallow person....
U see where my dilema lies? it lies in the very fiber of myself, my being, my thoughts, my character, my appearance.... I am by no means considered an attractive guy and by no means anywhere near a saint... I am confused..... i don't know what to do, how to sort this out... i solve one question and another 100 take its place...
Perhaps it is not meant for me to know myself.. but for other people to see and percieve what i am in their eyes... to some i may be scum of the earth, to others, a helping hand, and to still other, a friend... i know not what i am, i know not what i am to be doing...... i know nothing.
"It was the best of times and the worst of times
Avril Lavign's "I'm with you" plays over and over again in my head for some reason.... and its always this line.....
"Isn't anyone tryin to find me? "
That strikes me......
I start to thik back to my relationships... i start to wonder why am i still alone... despite everything that i've tried.. am i chasing the unchasable?? or am i just liking the wrong girls.... Oh gosh.. even now i'm confused.........
Maybe its just me, my character and personality that just makes me non-boyfriend material? makes just friend material?? i dunno.. really i don't....
I know poeple around me that love me and i love them too.. a lot in fact, yet not one of these would ever possibly in the future, near or far, love me in the non platonic, non family like manner.. the manner of husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend..... thoughts have entered my mind before and i wonder what it would be like if a relationship did start and i always end up in the conclusion that it would be wonderful because it started from friendship, yet.. a larger part of me is willing to take it and leave it as it is......
If anything should happen and a relationship might start, then i'll take it.. and see what fruit comes of it... yeah. i'll take it as it comes.... I haven't the strength to go pursuing it anymore.... As much as i believe that i will find a person who will love me, yet, that belief in itself hasn't the strength to sustain me... To keep me going. to keep me looking for that one person. many a time have i been lead to a wrong perosn.. to a false one........ but i keep going as i should.. to move on from one relation ship to another... I thank God that i am able to retain them as my friends.. and see me along my path.. to help me along, helping me learn from my mistakes........ Yet, even moral support will come to an end...
I'm nice to a fault.... i'm sweet to the level of intolerance....... could that be whats wrong with me? i know i have a bad streak of jealousy.... i turn green really easily and i'm rather possesive and i've been trying to change it. but should i also try to be less sweet? and not be myself? what am i to do that when what i've percieved as a good point turned bad? i dunno... i'm even more confused about myself now, what if my strengths are my weaknesses and my weaknesses my strengths? what if i have no strengths and that all everybody sees are my weaknesses and because of that pity me? goodness knows if any of my relationships have been borne of the person feeling sorry for me.....
Could i be too melancholic? mayhaps i think too much? or brood too much? i know i reply too much on my partner for support, and i have become more independant. Should i become less deep and appear more shallow? and whilst doing that go against the fiber of my character??? no i will not sink to the level of being shallow, yet in my own ways i am a shallow person....
U see where my dilema lies? it lies in the very fiber of myself, my being, my thoughts, my character, my appearance.... I am by no means considered an attractive guy and by no means anywhere near a saint... I am confused..... i don't know what to do, how to sort this out... i solve one question and another 100 take its place...
Perhaps it is not meant for me to know myself.. but for other people to see and percieve what i am in their eyes... to some i may be scum of the earth, to others, a helping hand, and to still other, a friend... i know not what i am, i know not what i am to be doing...... i know nothing.
"It was the best of times and the worst of times
posted by Marcus at 12:27 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home