About a week since i last wrote....
Have had so many things running through my mind lately.
Been going for mass recently, almost everyday. its probably during that one hour that i'm at peace with myself and everything else around me.
But the minute i step out of church grounds, well, there goes my peace of mind.
I feel like i'm stuck in a whirlwind of thoughts, not one of them good. I can't even pick one out and hold onto it.

Recently, there's been one thing i've been asking for, and that not to screw things up. It seems as though anything good in my hands, will corrupt and screw up, and end up blowing up in my face.
So many things have ended up like that... So many... I feel the need to just let everything out inside me, just let it out and cry, but an onion doesn't peel itself. As yet, no one's peeled me to my core. No one's bothered to, or they reach a point where they can't take it anymore. and that's just barely the first few layers.

I smile, i laugh, cause i have to, cause if i were to let me show, i'd be shunned, i'd be hated, i'd be avoided. If i were to let me show, the people around me wouldn't be happy. The area around me would become a raging hell hole, full of misery and gloom. So i laugh and i smile, for the people around me. I act all strong and confident, but i'm not. i'm weak and vulnerable, i'm cut and bruised.
I finally know what i'm looking for. I'm looking for a person who'll take time out for me, who'll peel away my layers, who'll dive into my insanity and calm the tempest.

What i show people, is a part of who i am, yet its a part and not the whole of me. Yes, i care about other people a lot, i love other people a lot. in part that is who i am and how i treat the people around me. I treat them the way i want people to treat me, the way i want to treat myself. Daf once told me, i care more about other people than i do myself.

I just don't know where to start. i don't know where to start searching, i don't know where to start healing. I don't know anything.

I don't want to screw things up anymore, i don't want what ever i touch to corrupt. i don't want to hurt anymore.....

many a time i lie in bed wishing it would all end. praying that it would all end. but i guess i still have things to do on this earth.
People say time heals all wounds. yet i don't know how much time i have left. I've lost one friend, amelia. I'm about to lose another one, Jenilyn. she has a few more months.
Life is just so short and fragile. so mortal... You never know when it'll end. And as much as i want to get out of this and live, to really laugh, to really smile. i can't, there's a wall... and i don't know where the weak point is..... i'm too weak..... i'm doomed......

help me break through this wall, help me find happiness

Lord, i beg of you, help me.......