As usual the same things bothering me again.

I feel left out. always the case probably will never change. I've yet to find someone that i can really hang out with and clique with. its as if everybody has someone and i'm all alone. i mean its really downright depressing when you see everybody has somebody to talk to and i'm like just there quiet. sick of it.... Man i wish i had SARS....... fall sick. die... no more problems to contend with, just purgatory..... like a make a difference...

I think i strive to make a difference whereever i go and if i don't see that i can make a difference anymore, its amazing that i can actually sit somewhere quietly and as ppl come in, no one will see me, until they actually bother to look around... I guess when it starts getting that way i start thinking about leaving, no use for me to remain where i am. Crap lah......

I don't think i've made a difference so far... makes me wonder what my purpose in life is... what i'm meant to do on this earth.... i feel lost, purposeless, friendless.....
Its as if people make it a point to avoid talking to me.. am i that hard to talk to? Bull Shit lah..... probably.... no one gets me, no one actually understands how i work, how my mind works, how i think, how i feel, why i act and treat people the way i do..... and then they can all go telling me what i shoudl do and what i shouldn't do without even understanding it..
its not that i don't try to explain, its just that they don't get what i'm trying to explain...... Watever lah, beyond caring. beyond bothering. Whats the point anyway?
if they actually made it a point to understand and actually listen you'll get what i'm saying.

Giving till it hurts... yet sometimes you have to stop hurting before you can give.... I wonder how long i've been hurting.. i've gotten so used to this pain that its like second nature to me, i live with the pain and the pain becomes me. Pain has become my best friend. I have to try to get rid of it, to start to heal, but what do you want me to do when i don't even know where to start?
I don't even know how to release the pain.... like an autoseal mehcanism, takes in and closes, can't let out.

Underneath the smiles and laughter, is a person that's melancholic, someone that's hurting, someone that's begging to be let loose and free of the pain and suffering, of the anger and hatred.
I realise that i've bottled a lot of thing up in my life and i guess i took in too much that during the last few months i've been wanting to burst, but the glass is too thick, it won't blow.. just keeps compressing and compressing as more stuff comes in......

Maybe people can tell and they tend to avoid me... maybe i'm meant to be alone and miseralble. just me alone.......

this world isn't fair.... this life isn't fair.... nothing is fair.... its as if everything's against me.....

I'm alone, all alone............