Whilst planning for the future through the hard work of the present, spare a thought for your past

The past is what makes us who we are, through all the lessons learnt from mistakes we've made and not forgetting the choices that we have made.
The past is equally as important as our present and our future. by using our past we can gauge how far we've come and how much more we've got to do.

I haven't come far, and i've got a long way more to go. to becoming the man i want to be and to becoming the person i want to be. Perhaps i'm winding down the wrong path, heavy laden with mistakes and faults. Ending up in the wrong place. I wonder how long this journey is going to take, when will i reach my journey's end. a part of me wishes it were over, another part of me strives to carry on. just like me i suppose, always torn in 2.

Another decision is coming my way, situation's similar to the last, and i'm trying not to make the same mistake again. i don't want to lose another friend cause of a bad choice and wrong actions.
As always, i find myself torn with 2 decisions, one made with my heart, and another one made with my head. Find the middle ground people may tell me, but when both are total opposites? middle ground is virtually non-existant.

As u can see from my previous entry, its lyrics to a song that expresses how its been for me... that place i belong? still can't find it. I can't say i really belong in CYF. when i'm in sessions, well, its me, and the rest of them, even though i have really great people around me talking to me cracking jokes making me laugh. even a long distance relative and an age old friend. yet, somehow its not enough to make me be part of it. I don't know really what i'm searching for, its one of those that i'll know it when i see yet types of searches.

There's always a void between me and anyone, somehow, perhaps its just me. even with my closest of friends. well not all of them, but a large majority of them.
Its been so long since i've had a heart to heart with anyone. yet those kinds of conversations only seem to happen with certain people and not everyone.
These certain people have been so busy lately, so busy in fact that they rarely have time for a chat. filled to bursting point.

I think perhaps there's something about me that makes some people raise their defences up. or maybe its just cause of the things i've done. i'll probably never know unless i ask and even then i might not get an answer... Man i really wish those certain people will be free soon... Its not that i don't want to lift it up to him, i've tried, but i guess sometimes i just need that solid presence in front of me or on the phone that i'll feel comforted cause i know that the person's listening...

i'm about to implode, its been happening so often of late, so much stuff's been going on around me....
i'm about to blow......