Fears

The sky recently seems to be echoing what's been going on inside me.
An endless downpour, an overcast sky.
the surroundings drained of colour, looking flushed and pale.
The dreary colours, the dead colours.
As if nothing had life, as if all the brightness had been drained away.

Whether i'm at home or out, everything looks the same.
Everything looks dead.
I look around now and nothing is beautiful,
nothing has life.
The only thing i see that has life and has beauty is her.
She captivated me and she still does.

Many people including myself have told me to move on.
Many people including myself have told me that we need time.
Many times i've reminded myself, many times i've told myself.
sometimes i slip, in a moment without self control.
A wrong message, a wrong word.
somethings i shouldn't say, yet i let myself say them.
It ruins everything.
I thought it was getting better.
Then i slipped. i made it worse again.

She still captivates me.
Nothing else holds my attention like she does.
Its not how she looks. but its how she is.
Its who she is. The light that she just brings to everything.
I've never met anyone like her.
I probably never will again.

Its hard to explain why i still feel so strongly for her.
So may factors, so many things.
She touches me from so many different points.
She touches every part of my being, every part of my soul.
I feel connected to her, in an unimaginable way.
As i said, its hard to explain.

All the more it makes it tough.
All the more i slip.
All the more i try to carry on.
All the more i'll slip again.

Sometimes you know when the end has come.
My end has come. This is where i stop.
I'll still love, i'll still care, for the people around.
I'm not shutting my heart.
I just know there isn't anyone else out there for me.
Perhaps for her, she still has.
She's still young, she's still growing.
She'll bloom into something even more beautiful than what she is now.

One day she'll see that i've changed.
One day she'll see that i'm different.
Perhaps when that one day arrives, happiness shall find me.

I live and i accept. i don't like it but i've to accept it.
God has left me little choice in the matter.
I've chosen, I don't regret it.

Now i hope you'll get to know me better
Now i hope i'll get to know you better.
To see you for who you are and who you will become.
To see me for who i really am and who i might become.
I'm complicated, more complex than you'd expect.
I confuse myself, i'm an enigma to myself.
There are many parts of me that i have buried.
Many parts that i don't like to show.
Perhaps its time to dig them up.
Its time to confront my fears.
Its time to grow up, its time to change.
If i don't, i know i'll never have her.

It wasn't her who wasn't ready.
No, it was me. I'm still immature, lacking a foundation.
She's by far the more mature of the 2.

Its time i grow. I must grow.
Its time to confront and take away my fears. once and for all.

I am insecure, about who i am, about how i look.
I don't think much of myself, except when there's music involved.
When i'm with her, i fear.
That someone else better looking, and a basically better person will take her away.
I become possesive, i become suffocating.
Its time i face this fear, this insecurity.
I need the help, i need the affirmation.
Only one person can really make it work.
You know who you are.

I am afraid that people will forget me.
I am afraid that i will become overlooked.
I have spent most of my life alone, most of my life without the benefits of good friendships.
Sometimes i feel invisible, like i'm not around.
Sometimes its like i'm ignored.
Its a fear that has to do with the one before.
they both are related.
I'm an insecure person.
It doesn't show, cause i hide it.
Not many people know cause i hide it.
Its time i dig it up and face it.

Most of the confrontation will have to come from me.
I'll have to do something about it.
I'll have to do it on my own.
Yet i need that support also.

These are my fears.
These are my anxieties.
These are my insecurities.

Understand these, they make up my dark side.
The side i cover, the side i don't like to show.
the side that i control a lot.

To be honest, i fear myself.
People say i've a good temper.
That's cause i control myself.
I fear when i get angry, pissed or irritated.
I fear i hurt the people around me.
That control rarely slips, cause i never let it control me.
Yet i still fear.

Recently i feel like i've been fighting a losing battle.
Recently, i've been losing the war within me against myself.
I've always ran and hid, from the darker me.
laying traps to slow it down.
Its time to face myself. my darker self.
Its time to face my fears.