As usual the same things bothering me again.

I feel left out. always the case probably will never change. I've yet to find someone that i can really hang out with and clique with. its as if everybody has someone and i'm all alone. i mean its really downright depressing when you see everybody has somebody to talk to and i'm like just there quiet. sick of it.... Man i wish i had SARS....... fall sick. die... no more problems to contend with, just purgatory..... like a make a difference...

I think i strive to make a difference whereever i go and if i don't see that i can make a difference anymore, its amazing that i can actually sit somewhere quietly and as ppl come in, no one will see me, until they actually bother to look around... I guess when it starts getting that way i start thinking about leaving, no use for me to remain where i am. Crap lah......

I don't think i've made a difference so far... makes me wonder what my purpose in life is... what i'm meant to do on this earth.... i feel lost, purposeless, friendless.....
Its as if people make it a point to avoid talking to me.. am i that hard to talk to? Bull Shit lah..... probably.... no one gets me, no one actually understands how i work, how my mind works, how i think, how i feel, why i act and treat people the way i do..... and then they can all go telling me what i shoudl do and what i shouldn't do without even understanding it..
its not that i don't try to explain, its just that they don't get what i'm trying to explain...... Watever lah, beyond caring. beyond bothering. Whats the point anyway?
if they actually made it a point to understand and actually listen you'll get what i'm saying.

Giving till it hurts... yet sometimes you have to stop hurting before you can give.... I wonder how long i've been hurting.. i've gotten so used to this pain that its like second nature to me, i live with the pain and the pain becomes me. Pain has become my best friend. I have to try to get rid of it, to start to heal, but what do you want me to do when i don't even know where to start?
I don't even know how to release the pain.... like an autoseal mehcanism, takes in and closes, can't let out.

Underneath the smiles and laughter, is a person that's melancholic, someone that's hurting, someone that's begging to be let loose and free of the pain and suffering, of the anger and hatred.
I realise that i've bottled a lot of thing up in my life and i guess i took in too much that during the last few months i've been wanting to burst, but the glass is too thick, it won't blow.. just keeps compressing and compressing as more stuff comes in......

Maybe people can tell and they tend to avoid me... maybe i'm meant to be alone and miseralble. just me alone.......

this world isn't fair.... this life isn't fair.... nothing is fair.... its as if everything's against me.....

I'm alone, all alone............

a week since i last wrote..
been pretty busy lately, with school and all...

went out to sakae sushi with Melissa And Tiffany yesterday. was fun lah. Tiffany is like the person i hang out with most often. she's from choir. considering she stays near me, so usually will hang out together kinda thing. After Sakae, we went down to Juhardy's place, pardon me, New place in bukit timah, yeah. damn nice place. Maplewoods Condominuim. haha Then again i already have my eyes on this place at lorong chuan. its a 3 story bungalow. Super nice.. maybe one day i'll show it to you guys.

Well, later i gotta clear out the room. bringing a lot of stuff down to the salvation army, yeah give them lah, since we got no use for it and the stuff like brand new loh. so yeah. maybe ask tiff, after bringing the stuff there then go bishan park or something. haha see how lah....

Man Utd lost to Real Madrid last night/this morning, but they got that 1 all important away goal. hahaha... Real Madrid were brilliant man! just beatiful watching Figo and Zindane run with the ball, Raul striking, Roberto Carlos Swinging them in... Awe inspiring...

Basically i've been really dead. yeah, nothing to do now that choir's stopped... i miss them all.... haven't seen them in ages man.... okay fine 2 weeks.. but feels like ages......
And since i've been hit with so much free time suddenly, my mind has had time to think and wonder and really settle down and consider things....
won't enter much into what i've been thinking about... rather personal thoughts that i wouldn't even pen down onto a real journal...

As time goes by, suddenly i feel as if i'm not as close to god as i used to be, the sense of familiarity that i used to get when i close my eyes and pray, or even just simply closing my eyes is not as strong anymore. I used to be able to feel and see god's work and god's beauty around me all the time, when i really needed strength, it felt as if he really was there supporting me...
Have i drifted so far from him? Felt it for a brief moment, when i went for charismatic. been a while since i really immersed myself in a praise and worship session. somehow the only time i really can do that is when i'm in charismatic. Think i should go down more often. I need to start rediscovering God again... Need to kick start that friendship i have with him again.

Think i'll go start packing up my room now. see ya guys