Everyone has that particular someone to turn to no matter what happens.

A little chat just to pass the time away, going out to have fun, you'll usually find cliques. And within these cliques are strong friendships and bonds.
I don't think i've ever belonged to a clique. well, maybe got lah.... but when you reach a certain age, the people in the cliques become occupied with other stuff, like Army, Girlfriends, School, just to name a few. and as time goes on, the bonds that once binded the clique together fade away and all thats left is a memory of what it was like before.

I'm still searching for that person that i can turn to no matter what happens, no matter how busy they are they'll make the time to well, talk to you and not get so immerssed in what they are doing that they totally forget about you. The kind of bond and friendship i'm looking for well, there are a few examples of friendships that are in itself absolutely beautiful. Samantha, Judette and Jobeth, the 3 of them have a good friendship going, and i doubt that in the near future, what ever happens, won't tear them apart. Ben and Ethelbert, they have a very good relationship going, i can gather that they've been through thick and thin together and its built a very strong friendship. Just 2 examples that i've observed and noticed.

I'm looking for something like that yet not exactly the same. as i said, its probably something that i'll know when i see it. and i'm guessing that when i finally find it, then i'll know where i belong.
Its a search of trying to find my missing half, that missing part of me. Something in me thats unresolved, yeah thats it, that missing part. I guess everybody goes through the same thing, trying to find that missing part, i'm probably the only guy thats really trying to find it and spending time finding it instead of just living day by day and hoping that it'll fall out of the sky.

Everyone has that particular someone to turn to no matter what happens... Except me

Everybody deserves to the happy

yeah, everybody does deserve to be happy, its just that different people become happy at different times. True happiness, just like true love is the hardest thing to find.
Sure its a choice, and if you make that choice, it doesn't mean you'll be happy, it just means that you're in the mind set that, "yes i want to be happy"
just like the choice to love, "yes i want to love" But it doesn't mean that you will BE loved just like you will BE happy.

A large part of it i feel is when the people around you love you, and the person inside of you is happy.
The person inside of me isn't happy, the person inside of me is empty, cold and incomplete, and until i complete my search, i doubt i'll be happy just as when i'll be loved by the people around me.

How do you love the people around you when you don't love yourself?

I do love myself, I love my cold, empty, incomplete self, and its because i love myself that i search for that missing part of me to make myself better, to make myself happier.
Its going to be a long search, but i'm trying to scrape whatever happiness i can find. Unfortunately it comes in small quantities and seldom......

i'll be happy in time

Whilst planning for the future through the hard work of the present, spare a thought for your past

The past is what makes us who we are, through all the lessons learnt from mistakes we've made and not forgetting the choices that we have made.
The past is equally as important as our present and our future. by using our past we can gauge how far we've come and how much more we've got to do.

I haven't come far, and i've got a long way more to go. to becoming the man i want to be and to becoming the person i want to be. Perhaps i'm winding down the wrong path, heavy laden with mistakes and faults. Ending up in the wrong place. I wonder how long this journey is going to take, when will i reach my journey's end. a part of me wishes it were over, another part of me strives to carry on. just like me i suppose, always torn in 2.

Another decision is coming my way, situation's similar to the last, and i'm trying not to make the same mistake again. i don't want to lose another friend cause of a bad choice and wrong actions.
As always, i find myself torn with 2 decisions, one made with my heart, and another one made with my head. Find the middle ground people may tell me, but when both are total opposites? middle ground is virtually non-existant.

As u can see from my previous entry, its lyrics to a song that expresses how its been for me... that place i belong? still can't find it. I can't say i really belong in CYF. when i'm in sessions, well, its me, and the rest of them, even though i have really great people around me talking to me cracking jokes making me laugh. even a long distance relative and an age old friend. yet, somehow its not enough to make me be part of it. I don't know really what i'm searching for, its one of those that i'll know it when i see yet types of searches.

There's always a void between me and anyone, somehow, perhaps its just me. even with my closest of friends. well not all of them, but a large majority of them.
Its been so long since i've had a heart to heart with anyone. yet those kinds of conversations only seem to happen with certain people and not everyone.
These certain people have been so busy lately, so busy in fact that they rarely have time for a chat. filled to bursting point.

I think perhaps there's something about me that makes some people raise their defences up. or maybe its just cause of the things i've done. i'll probably never know unless i ask and even then i might not get an answer... Man i really wish those certain people will be free soon... Its not that i don't want to lift it up to him, i've tried, but i guess sometimes i just need that solid presence in front of me or on the phone that i'll feel comforted cause i know that the person's listening...

i'm about to implode, its been happening so often of late, so much stuff's been going on around me....
i'm about to blow......