I guess i can't expect everything to turn out alright in such a short time.....
I guess i'll have to let time take its course.
Let it heal both of us......
Perhaps only then will we be able to start talking again.

I feel as if i'm on Cold Turkey.....
Constantly reminding myself not to message, not to irritate... not to be a bug....
I guess i've a lot of support behind me....
A lot of people who can't stand seeing me this way.
who don't want me to start wallowing in my misery,
who don't want me to carry on digging myself further into my hole.....

Its comforting to know that i've friends.....
The next few months are gonna be really tough.....
To move on and yet hold her in my heart.
more importantly i have to move on, or else i'll be stuck
i'll be stuck where i am.
She won't be happy. and i won't be happy.....
Most importantly i guess i want her to be happy.
so i have to do what's best for the both of us.

To leave her alone, to give the both of us time to heal.
I still will occassionally drop a note once in a while.
i should do at least that much.
I still care, and i still love.
Its gonna be tough moving on from this.

I have to pick up the ppieces of my shattered life and my shattered dreams.
I got to start glueing everything back together.
In the portrait of my life, and of my heart.
she's earned a big part of it.

I still hate waking up in the mornings.
Waking up to the knowledge that she isn't there.
But i still have a world to face and friends that care.
As much as i feel like not waking up and not living anymore,
i have to carry on for them.

ShaoBing told me She want's me alive.
She want's to see me alive when she's back from Malaysia
At least try to keep myself alive, if not for Angie, at least for her.
Jacinta told me to keep the faith.
Perhaps one day we will be together again.
But if not, just be glad that our paths crossed once
And that i still am able to keep her as a friend.
That is honestly more than i can ask already.
That we remain as friends.
Carol said it might take a few months before she starts talking to me again.
That its actually better not to become friends straight away.
To let time heal the wounds first till its better.
when thoughts and feelings have settle down.

These are things people have told me.
Its also a sharing of their experiences.
These are my friends who care for me enough to cheer me on.
Not to mention a lot others behind me.
I guess i have to carry on because of them.
i have to live on.
As much as life feels like its at an end.
As much as life feels dreary and tiresome.
It isn't the end of life.
As much as it is, the end of my line, in terms of relationships,
it isn't the end of life.
I'll live for my friends, i'll live for god.
Not because i want to, but because i must....
I have to keep trying.....
At least maybe, she'll be glad that i'm moving on and not miserable.

I hope she'll be happy. perhaps one day come back if our feelings are still there.
I'm very much the same person. yet i've changed.
you've let me see that, you've let me know where i have to change.
i guess it was the only way to make me see. by hurting me.
but still i saw and i thank you. for making me see.
I've changed, or at least working on it.
hopefully by the time you're ready, i'll have worked on it and make it dissappear.

I still hope you'll forgive me and still talk to me.
I'm still me, yet different also.
I'm growing up. hopefully by then i'll be ready for a relationship.
Emotionally i've been too volitile.
Its time i take myself into control and stabalise myself.
i have to do that at least, if not for you, but for the people around me.
most of all i have to do this for myself.
cause if i don't, i'll never grow and mature.
if i don't i'll never be ready for a serious one.
i still hope and pray it'll be you.
but i've accepted the fact that its not gonna happen anytime soon.
I've accepted a lot of things now.
cause i've had time to think.......

I hope things will take a turn for the better.
i hope things won't still feel as crap as they are.
Lots of things that i hope still hope for.....
Just that i guess time will tell if what i've planted will bear fruit or not.

Time, oh time,
Great creator, Great healer.
Vicious destroyer, Yet nurturing mother.
Creation of the almighty
Heal all wounds and patch all relationships
Nurture all feelings and let them bear fruit
Heal my wounds and strengthen my heart.
Help me prepare for the tests that you throw at us.
Let me grow and become a man
Let her grow into a flower more beautiful.
Help our emotions and our feelings.
Nurture our love and let them bear fruit.
Prepare us for life, teach us our lessons.
Time, oh time,
please help us.

The day you walked out of my life was the day when i closed the door of my heart to anyone else.
It was the day laughter ended and tears flowed without cease.
It was the day you walked out of my life.

I got that off someone's blog.....
Strange and ironic, that this was there long before i fell in love with her.
Now it rings so true after my heart was broken.

I beg God, that she'll give me another chance, cause that's the only person i know who can help.
I beg God, that she'll talk to me again.......
I beg and plead everyday....
i've begged and pleaded everyday since she left.......

I know my problem now. i'm addressing it....
Its one of those things that i can change but won't affect who i am.......
Its a part of me that's bad, a part of me i'm gonna get rid off.....

Please, forgive me...
Please don't hate me...

As i'm typing this, i am talkng to Jacinta......
This is something she told me.....
If i want to get her back in my life, i have to stop hating myself.
cause if i don't stop hating myself, i'll never get anything done.
If i don't start loving myself, i'll never be able to love her with all my heart.
I have to move on, or i'll never get her back.
I have to let go, no matter how much it hurts.
No matter how painful it is, i have to let go.
I have to stop blaming myself for what happened.
Or else i'll never get her back.
Being friends with her is better that nothing.
At least i have my memories.

Sometimes, God tells you things you don't want to hear, but you have to hear them.
Sometimes, God gives you 2 choices that'll hurt like mad.
I have 2 choices now.......
To hold on and lose her forever.
To let go in hope that one day i'll get her back.
I guess its obvious which one i'll pick.
The latter hurts a lot more now, but might bring joy in the future......

Damn, i'm starting to cry again.......
Its the realization.
I don't have a choice do i?
I don't know how.......
Its gonna take me a while.......
Angie's gonna take me a long time to get over........
She's just so special......
I fell in love with her. For who she is, how she is.
I didn't fall for the outside, but the inside.
But i squeezed too hard, cut off her air.
Now she's running scared, running far away from me.
A monster.

I've change myself back into a man.
A person...... I've to wait out that fear....
What have i done..........
I don't have a choice anymore........

Goodbye my precious angel......
If i never have you again.......

Please Lord, help me........
That you'll bring me joy in the future.....

Angie, i'll always love you. maybe a different kind of love, but i'll still love you.
please don't hate me anymore.

Lord, please let us be together again.
Lord let it happen again.
If it doesn't, then help me be happy....
Please lord, lend me your strength......

An Answer

I got an answer to all my questions.......
i finally know what happened......
i finally know what i did wrong......
An answer from God, through a really good friend........
i finally know.....

I didn't give her enough space.... i freaked her out.....
Why am i such an idiot....
i should have seen it coming.....
its happened before... but finally its sunk in what my friends have told me....
its finally sunk in.....

I promise i won't do it again.....
i promise i'll give you the space you need...
i'll give you the time you need.....
I finally know... and with the grace of god and his strength, i'll do something about it...
I will...

I finally know........
It took a lot to make me see it...
You finally made me see it....
i've seen my problem....
i know it now....
i'll work on it....
please.... give me a chance to prove that i'm working on it.
give me a chance to show you i'm changing....
give me a chance, a chance...
i won't blow it...
i won't freak you out anymore....
i won't do be so possesive....

i know now! i'll cool off a little.
take things slower. give you space and time..

I won't be so dependant anymore.
I won't be so possesive anymore..
I won't.
I've seen the light....
i'm coming back out....
i hope you read this soon.
i hope you'll give me the chance....
Cause i finally know. and i'm gonna change....
i won't let it happen again....
I swear upon my own life... i shall NOT let it happen ever again.....
please read this soon....
please give me a chance....

God, i miss her so much....
When i wake up, i fight the urge to message her.....
when i'm about to sleep i fight the urge to message her again....
We should have gotten together later.. after her O's.....
We should have....now its too late to turn back time...
What's been done has been done....
She hates me now, cause of myself.
in my eagerness to want to be part of her life, to want to know how she's doing,
i puched in where i shouldn't have. crowded in when she needed space and time....
i'm just so stupid......

now i'm left missing her, missing the times i spent with her.
missing those precious moments we had together.
missing those moments when i had her in my arms.
when i had her hand in mine.....

Now everything around me just seems so wrong....
everything in this world just seems wrong....

I spend the day fighting myself, not to message her.
to give her space..... i fight myself and my urges.
i want to be with her. i want to be able to love her.
now i can't........ i've lost that chance......
If life is all about second chances, then i hope mine comes soon.....
i don't know how much more i can take....
i'm dying inside, slowly but surely....
i feel part by part of me is being killed off.
each part of me is being put to sleep....
soon i'll just be a shell.....
an empty hollowed out shell of what i was.....
until a day when she should come along to restore me.
if that day ever comes.

I miss her... i really miss her so much...
please lord, stop my pain, my agony.....

they say time heals all wounds....
yet time can make or break feelings.....
they may grow stronger, they may fade.
I pray ours grows stronger....
time is now the test....
a cruel test it is......

i miss her......

Marcus... you're a "Genius" leh....
you just managed to make the only person that you truly love with all your heart hate you....
why does she hate you? Cause you're a Fucking irritating Bastard!!!!!!
I'm smacking myself in the head and face.....
I seriously hate myself....... i seriously hate why this is happening....
I seriously need to change......... I seriously need some help.........
Life will continue to Shit on you cause you're too pig headed to change......
Marcus! You Fucking Bastard! Stupid Irritant! Stupid Shit! Fucking Moron!

Now She hates you! what the hell are you gonna do now? WHAT!!!???
You're only Joy in life was ruined by yourself you TWIT!

I am a stupid piece of shit.....

She definately agree's with everything that i've typed... so definately.....
I'm going for mass tomorrow. shall not look at her, shall not talk to her, shall not irritate her.

sigh.... Why God......Why'd you make me so stupid, so dumb, so irritating, so idiotic?
sigh.......

I hate myself.... i hate myself.... i hate myself.......