I wrote something a few days back, that i'm afraid to post on this blog....
I've shown it to a few people.
Same comment i've gotten, its very dark, depressing, despairing.
I dare not post it here, y?
well, cause i'm scared i'll spoil the mood of those who read it.
so i'm keeping it to myself.

I seem to have a knack for blowing things up and making things worse.
i'm too careless for my own good.
I should stop and think about what i'm saying before i say anything.

Simply put, i'm not in good shape......
There's this huge hole where my heart used to be.
Its just empty now. this big empty space.

I've to be strong?
I've to carry on?
yeah i know.....
I've to show everyone around me that i'm strong enough, that i've grown enough to stand on my own?
yeah i know.....

Actually, right now........
I've to prove to myself a lot of things.....
That i can be who i am......
That i can be strong.....
That i can get over this.....

I've been shaken to my emotional foundations and found out they aren't as strong as i thought they were.
I have to rebuild it again.......

Vulnerable again? yeah.
Always have been.
More vulnerable now? maybe.

I used to be stronger than this.
I guess i have to climb back to where i was.
Be who i was again, with a few minute changes.
I guess i can only learn when my face has been smashed and rubbed into the dirt.

Wake up tomorrow and try to be happy?
Its hard, but i'll try......

What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger?
yeah. This nearly killed me. at least i'm not dead.

I've become numb to things.
Like i don't feel anything anymore.
Like i've become numb to it.

Oh well....... Time to climb out?
i guess...... its time for a lot of things.......
Changes........

It happened, now its over.
i've cried over it, i've pined over it.
now its over. get up, dry your tears and move.
Its not going to be easy, but try.
at least you know you fought.

Strength comes from within.
you have it in you. just have to find it.
Ask god for strength, he'll lend you his.
He'll lift you out of this pit and set you on a mountain top.
Trust in him and he'll do work miracles for you.
Such is our god's nature, for he is love.

Try and Trust.

Fears

The sky recently seems to be echoing what's been going on inside me.
An endless downpour, an overcast sky.
the surroundings drained of colour, looking flushed and pale.
The dreary colours, the dead colours.
As if nothing had life, as if all the brightness had been drained away.

Whether i'm at home or out, everything looks the same.
Everything looks dead.
I look around now and nothing is beautiful,
nothing has life.
The only thing i see that has life and has beauty is her.
She captivated me and she still does.

Many people including myself have told me to move on.
Many people including myself have told me that we need time.
Many times i've reminded myself, many times i've told myself.
sometimes i slip, in a moment without self control.
A wrong message, a wrong word.
somethings i shouldn't say, yet i let myself say them.
It ruins everything.
I thought it was getting better.
Then i slipped. i made it worse again.

She still captivates me.
Nothing else holds my attention like she does.
Its not how she looks. but its how she is.
Its who she is. The light that she just brings to everything.
I've never met anyone like her.
I probably never will again.

Its hard to explain why i still feel so strongly for her.
So may factors, so many things.
She touches me from so many different points.
She touches every part of my being, every part of my soul.
I feel connected to her, in an unimaginable way.
As i said, its hard to explain.

All the more it makes it tough.
All the more i slip.
All the more i try to carry on.
All the more i'll slip again.

Sometimes you know when the end has come.
My end has come. This is where i stop.
I'll still love, i'll still care, for the people around.
I'm not shutting my heart.
I just know there isn't anyone else out there for me.
Perhaps for her, she still has.
She's still young, she's still growing.
She'll bloom into something even more beautiful than what she is now.

One day she'll see that i've changed.
One day she'll see that i'm different.
Perhaps when that one day arrives, happiness shall find me.

I live and i accept. i don't like it but i've to accept it.
God has left me little choice in the matter.
I've chosen, I don't regret it.

Now i hope you'll get to know me better
Now i hope i'll get to know you better.
To see you for who you are and who you will become.
To see me for who i really am and who i might become.
I'm complicated, more complex than you'd expect.
I confuse myself, i'm an enigma to myself.
There are many parts of me that i have buried.
Many parts that i don't like to show.
Perhaps its time to dig them up.
Its time to confront my fears.
Its time to grow up, its time to change.
If i don't, i know i'll never have her.

It wasn't her who wasn't ready.
No, it was me. I'm still immature, lacking a foundation.
She's by far the more mature of the 2.

Its time i grow. I must grow.
Its time to confront and take away my fears. once and for all.

I am insecure, about who i am, about how i look.
I don't think much of myself, except when there's music involved.
When i'm with her, i fear.
That someone else better looking, and a basically better person will take her away.
I become possesive, i become suffocating.
Its time i face this fear, this insecurity.
I need the help, i need the affirmation.
Only one person can really make it work.
You know who you are.

I am afraid that people will forget me.
I am afraid that i will become overlooked.
I have spent most of my life alone, most of my life without the benefits of good friendships.
Sometimes i feel invisible, like i'm not around.
Sometimes its like i'm ignored.
Its a fear that has to do with the one before.
they both are related.
I'm an insecure person.
It doesn't show, cause i hide it.
Not many people know cause i hide it.
Its time i dig it up and face it.

Most of the confrontation will have to come from me.
I'll have to do something about it.
I'll have to do it on my own.
Yet i need that support also.

These are my fears.
These are my anxieties.
These are my insecurities.

Understand these, they make up my dark side.
The side i cover, the side i don't like to show.
the side that i control a lot.

To be honest, i fear myself.
People say i've a good temper.
That's cause i control myself.
I fear when i get angry, pissed or irritated.
I fear i hurt the people around me.
That control rarely slips, cause i never let it control me.
Yet i still fear.

Recently i feel like i've been fighting a losing battle.
Recently, i've been losing the war within me against myself.
I've always ran and hid, from the darker me.
laying traps to slow it down.
Its time to face myself. my darker self.
Its time to face my fears.

I ask that you not judge me.
I ask that you have patience with me.
I ask that you tolerate me.
I ask that you forgive me.

This isn't easy. sometimes i slip.

It seems that we only seem to argue.
It seems that we need our space.
It seems that we need our time to heal.
It seems we need our time to get over each other.

Sometimes i slip. Sometimes its just overwhelms me.

Please don't judge me based on 1 entry in this blog.
You think i'm vulgar. I'm telling you i'm not.
Sometimes i lose control, that night i lost control.
Somethings you can't unlearn.
I try to avoid using it. I try to not use it at all.
That's when i'm in control. That night i lost control.
I hated myself for what i did.
I hated myself through and through.
I blame myself for all that's happened.
In large part it is my fault.

Now it seems hopeless. I'd like to salvage what we have left.
Its tough for me to walk down this path.
I keep tripping and falling.
My personal wants and my personal desires are irrelevant.
Yet these always get in my way.

I have hoped, and i still hope.
Yet i pray that i have not destroyed this hope myself.

Mortuus Cor, Infelix Animus.
My heart has died, my soul is barren.
Void of life, a vacuum for love.
Empty and hollow.

We both need our time, to mend.
We both need time, before you'll listen.
You've closed yourself to me.
You won't even let me explain.
Somethings about me you have to know.
But i can only share with you when you're ready to listen.

As friends perhaps its better.
Better for us in the long run.
Better for us right now.
Perhaps that fear, might never go away.
Perhaps i'll never get the chance to hold you again.
As friends perhaps its better.
Perhaps its better....
Perhaps i'm hopeless....
Perhaps i'm dead....

Was Watching MTV this morning... The MTV for this one showed... Its just beautiful, wheni heard it the first time, i didn't really hear what the lyrics were. but after watching the MTV this morning, and actually listening.. it struck me.
Its about pain, memories and heartbreak.... somehow its just very haunting... the kind of song that lingers around for a long time in your head that can calm the raging tide of thoughts, hurts and heartbreaks. somehow it speaks to me... i can't share this song with you but i can share its lyrics....
when you listen to it, i hope you remember the lyrics and let it speak to you.
Music indeed helps the soul... it heals and soothes....

Artist: Evanescence
Album: Daredevil Soundtrack
Title: My Immortal


I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[CHORUS:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though your still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]