Today was a good day.
Got home from zouk at 430 in the morning.
Woke up at 10 for work.
ended work at about 7.
got home abt 8.

Its been a long tiring day.
But its been a good day.

Had lots of fun at zouk.
As fun as it was, clubbing still isn't me.
Won't make it a regular thing.
Probably keep it to once in a blue moon.

MTV Party Rocked!
Was funny.
Denise Keller, the MTV VJ, she looks so much better in person.
Liberty X, they aren't really very fantastic.
levi's clothes, expensive, but nice.
zouk, small and cramped, yet very happening.

wraps up the last 2 days.
This and the poem i just posted.

As i carry on my journey,
as i search for myself.
In my darkest hours i'll think of you,
In my deepest pits i seek your light.

I carry on, i move on.
Away from the pain, away from the sorrow.
Yet i still think of you,
Yet i still yearn for you.

In doing this for myself,
Could i be doing this for you as well?
In searching for my happiness,
Could i be finding happiness for you as well?

I can't shake the feeling that our happiness lies entwined.
I can't help but feel that our fates are but joined together.
It might just be me, it might just be my mind.
Yet can i help but think and miss the person i care most about?

As i carry on my journey to find myself,
As i walk down this road that will bring me to my endpoint.
I can't help but think of you in loving memories.
I can't help but miss you with all my heart and soul.

Had a relatively good day today.....
lived it pretty much like how i used to live.... good sign... i hope.. lol
yeah i'm happier. on the way to being me again.
Bowled today. man i'm so out of training....
Need to train more. so maybe can bowl in NS for SCDF. if its possible.
Going to Zouk tomorrow... normally i wouldn't bother, not really my kinda place.
But friend has 2 tix to some MTV private party thing going on there tomorrow.
she can't make it so she gave them to me. Makes no sense to waste it yeah?
So i'm going to zouk tomorrow. Looking forward to it? i have no idea. Half decided abt it. all i know is i'm going cause i asked someone to go with me already.
Should be fun. i hope. but its MTV man... it dang well better be... lol.....
My first MTV party.... should be a night to remember.....

Spent some of the day in thought.
Searching for myself once again.
Might have found a little of myself.
The one who knows how to have fun.
The one who laughs and the one who smiles.
All's fine for now. i hope there won't be any bumps in the road.

Dreamt a strange yet happy dream last night.
I don't know what to make of the dream.
Supposedly dreams are messages and signs.
Scientists say dreams are remnants of things that have happened and your brain is just running through everything.
I guess maybe i shouldn't read too much into it.
If i dream it again tonight.. then maybe it'll be somethign to take note of.....
haha... maybe i'll dream it again..... lol i hope *crosses fingers*
night people!

I'm going on a journey. A long ardous journey. A journey of self discovery. A journey to find my old self.
A self that is less scarred, less pessimistic, less dependent. a self that is happier, more joyous, more caring, more independent.
A self that was stronger.
Slowly but surely i'm going to find that self. That self was more lovable. That self was the one that a lot of people liked.
That self was the one that she fell for. I have to find him again. Find him, and become him again. become him, yet wiser from this lesson in life.
Finding the person that isn't so scarred, that isn't so hurt. perhaps if i find him again i'll be happier.
perhaps she'll love that person again.

I've changed into something that many people don't recognize.
A "monster" of sorts. a "monster" of pain.
I have to change back. Be who i was and who i really am.
A person of faith, a person of love, a person born to love.
I will be changing within this period of time.
You'll see me when i've found me.
You'll see the old boy again.
I get the feeling you want that old boy back....

The person you fell for and the person in the relationship and the person after the relationship.
I realize now they were 3 different people... very different... each after each worse and worse.
Time to shut up about the pain. time to shut up about the relationship.
What's happening is between just the people involved, no one else.
I'll still write. but i'll start writing relavant stuff.
I shall leave my love life out of my blog.
i shall leave my suffering and pain out of my blog.
cause its not the place for it.

From today onwards. i'm going to change for the better.
Going to find the old boy. yet share the experiences with the old boy and let him learn.
when he's back. you'll know. you'll see him. hopefully you'll love him again....

This journey that i'm going to go through.
Will take me through my flaws.
Hopefully change my flaws.
With God's help i'll become a better person.
For you, for everyone around me. but most importantly for me.
So i can be happy. so i can spread my joy to everybody around me.
So perhaps you can love me again.

This journey will help me grow. will help me move on.
Move on from the pain. Most importantly move on from the scars.
I've to find my optimism again.
I've to learn when to talk and when not to.
I've to learn to me more indepedent.
I've to learn many things again.

I hope you'll start talking to me again.
Remind me what i used to be like.
Remind me of the me you fell for.
Remind me of the friend i used to be.
Remind me of the person i used to be.
Most of all just remind me of me.
I just hope you'll start talking to me again.

In some strange harsh manner, you've been helping me along the way.
In a sense by all that's happened you've been forcing me to go in a direction that's supposedly good for me.
I guess i was just too blind to see the way i've actually been travelling.
Too caught up in my own world to really notice the people around me and the way i'm going.
Strange as it sounds. you've been a guiding light.
Indeed mysterious are his ways.

I'm going to be the old me again.
The old me, yet wiser and more mature.
More independent and stronger.
To learn to love slower.
To learn to be who i am all the time and not let my emotions sweep me off my feet.

I'm gonna be the old me again.
For me, For you, For the people around me.
Most of all So i can be happy and so you can love me again.
I'm gonna be the old me again.
Gonna be me again.
I pray when i find me, you can love me again.

Its been said before, should you truly love a person, you'd want that person to be happy, no matter how much it'll hurt you to do what you have to do.
Its been said before, should you truly love a person, you'll have to let go, whether that person comes back or not, is not an issue. you let go because you want that person to be happy. you let go because you want that person not to be held back by you. you let go because you have to. as much as it'll hurt, as much as you feel like you're losing a part of yourself, as much as you feel the pain and emptiness inside, you have to let go.

You can believe with all your heart that that person is the perfect one, the one for you, the person you are meant to be with. but if the person doesn't feel it? wat can you do? absolutely nothing. all you can do is let go and hope that one day this person will come to feel it as the person thinks back on memories. all you can do is hope that one day no matter what the person says at present, that person will come back to you and let you love that person again. As you let go and move on, perhaps another person will come a long and touch your heart. perhaps you'll find another one. perhaps you're meant to grow up more before you finally find that person again. perhaps that person is meant to grow up more. Perhaps you and that person are meant to be, just that its not meant to be at this moment of time, in this periodd of your lofe, but perhaps later in your life, when this chess game of life moves the pieces on the board to bring the 2 of you together again. Till that day all you can do is to hope and pray and keep the faith. Faith that perhaps one day it will happen again.

By no means does it mean you're stuck without being able to love, No. you have to move on, cause only by moving on can you find that person again. cause by moving on you are showing that you are keeping the faith and the hope alive. Its been said, letting go and moving on does not mean not loving that person anymore. By all means you can love the person as much as the first time you laid eyes on the person. it just means that the time for you to be together has not come yet. that the time for true love is not arrived. and its up to you to move on so that that time can arrive. Time and tide wait for no man. if you don't move on, but that person has obviously moved on. then your paths will never cross again. perhaps the sooner you get over the pain and move on, the sooner your paths will cross again. PERHAPS. it all depends on fate, it all depends on god's plan.

God's plan is not for us to understand. Its not for us to know. Its supposed to teach us vital things. Its supposed to help us grow. As much as the lessons of life can hurt you and empty out your soul and cry out your heart. its meant for you to live and learn. to be a better person, scarred by life. to have lived and learnt from experience. Happiness shall find you when the time is come for happiness. the more you search for it, the more it eludes you if it isn't the time for joy yet.
You can be absolutely convinced that true happiness lies in the arms of that person. You can be convinced that in the arms of that person you are complete, yuo feel a sense of perfection, of completion, the feeling that you strive for, the feeling that you yearn for. But perhaps your time for perfection, your time for joy, your time for happiness has not come yet. Keep the Faith, and hope, one day that person will realize that true happiness might lie in your arms. and under your gentle gaze. But until that time, that person will remain apart from you, yet still hold a part of you. In time all things will bear fruit. In time all things will flower and bloom. In Time, With Time, you'll find that person again. Keep your heart open, keep your heart alive. Shut it not out to love of people and love from others, cause its in experienceing that love that you can grow and heal and mature. It is in that love that perhaps one day you'll find that person again. Time heals all scars, Time mends all woulnds, Time seals all rifts. Time is the greatest instrument of god, created to heal, to help us grow.

Wish not to end this life, seek not to hurt yourself. If you do that, you will never find that person. In wallowing in your own misery and pain, you can never see the day when that person comes back cause you will have been blinded by the pain of your own creation. Let that person behold not a wretched creature that was once a person. instead let that person behold the beauty of god's creation, by growing and loving everybody around you. instead let that person behold the person that that person once loved, changed with time into someone that that person will find more beautiful.

In time you will find your perfection again. This experience was just but a taste of things to come. the perfection felt in the arms of god's perfect creation who is that person. the beauty seen will blossom and bloom into something better, all you have to do is let that person go, trusting in that person that that person can take care of their own person. trusting in god's ulimate plan that you will find perfection again, cause in the end that is what god wants for us. to be happy. Trust in God, Trust in that person, Trust in Faith, Trust in love, that one day that person shall return and you shall find perfection again. The perfection found when two halfs of a whole be reunited and joined as one in a union sacred unto god. Trust that you shall find that person once again. Trust that when that person has grown up enough and is finally ready, that that person shall return into your arms who remain open to hold the person and to love that person.

TRUST.

Being Without You

Days go by easier now.
Time seemed to speed up again.
Perhaps i'm coming to terms with being without you.

I'm starting to laugh again.
I'm starting to have fun again.
Perhaps i'm learning to live again, being without you.

The sun's shining a little brighter.
The colours seem more vibrant.
Perhaps i'm seeing and looking again, being without you.

I'm hearing laughter again.
The sound of it seems to bring cheer.
Perhaps i'm listening again, being without you.

I'm beginning to feel things again.
The touch of different things on my heart and flesh.
Perhaps i'm feelings again, being without you.

I'm enjoying my meals once again.
The different flavors that make the mouth water.
Perhaps i'm beginning to taste again, being without you.

I'm appreciating the aroma's around me again.
The fragrances that make life sweeter.
Perhaps i'm beginning to smell again, being without you.

My heart still calls out to you.
My soul still longs for you.
Perhaps i'm just clinging on to life, being without you.

My eyes still search out for you.
My lips yearn to taste you again.
Perhaps i'm not as over this as i thought, being without you.

My arms still feel empty.
My hand still feel as useless.
Perhaps i'm feeling empty being without you.

I sit in church and at home.
Hoping each day that you are happy.
Perhaps thats all that i can do now, being without you.

I still want to love you.
I still want to be that special someone.
Perhaps its all i can hold on to, being without you.

As i'm about to dissappear.
I pray you'll think of me.
Perhaps one day you'll return and i won't be without you.

I can't stand this anymore.
I can't deal with this overwhelming emptiess you left me with.
Perhaps one day you'll take away this emptiness so i'll stop being without you.